We don't review games here. Just their covers. Someone's gotta tell the publishers what their box art says to consumers. And that someone is us...
"Purr Pals" (Wii)
What the Box Tells Us: See these newborn kittens? They have a look of utter fright on their faces. Why? Because they are about to get murdered. Murdered, and then baked into bread. If you read the box closely, the bottom text says, "40 adorable kitten breads to choose from." That's right -- breads. It's a kitten-bread-baking game!
Pros: Mmmm, kitten bread. Great with butter and strawberry jam.
Cons: PETA, you better get on this one.
Love It or Leave It: I can't help but love it. (Sorry kittens.)
"Nancy Drew: The Phantom of Venice" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: A sinister-looking man wearing a creepy green mask sneaks around on rooftops and holds out jewelry... to perhaps entice unsuspecting young women? The perfect game for daughters. Maybe it will also tell girls to please accept candy from strangers and feel free to step into their vehicles at any time. And leave bedroom windows wide open too, while you're at it.
Pros: The green mask is hard to bypass at the game store.
Cons: But the inherent creepiness takes a hot shower or two to remove.
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
"Beijing 2008: The Official Video Game of the Olympic Games" (Xbox 360, PS3)
What the Box Tells Us: "America is #1!!! All others are #2, or lower!" The game for the monumental sporting event represents countries from all around the world -- including America. Actually, only America. In case you weren't sure if the game included American athletes, Sega put five of them on the cover -- all draped in American flags. Overkill, Sega. Overkill.
Pros: I believe "Team America: World Police" said it best: "America! F--- yeah!"
Cons: If you want to play an athlete from say -- I don't know -- China, it could be a gamble.
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
"AMF Bowling Pinbusters!" (DS)
What the Box Tells Us: It's bowling, but with your favorite archetypes. Like Tough Guy With Mohawk, Giant Scottish Guy Who Is Probably Wearing A Kilt, Geeky Vampire Kid, Asian Girl With Headphones/Earmuffs or Sexy Chick Whose Cleavage Is Covered By The ESRB Rating. There's an avatar for everyone!
Pros: So bad, it's good.
Cons: But still bad.
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
"Supreme Ruler 2020" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: Sure, it's another war strategy game, but instead of showing me tiny tanks amid some gunfire, "Supreme Ruler 2020" goes "supreme" by depicting the biggest blaze Washington D.C.'s ever seen since the War of 1812 (or the "Independence Day" movie).
Pros: Michael Bay, eat your heart out.
Cons: My retinas are also burning.
Love It or Leave It: Love it.
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