As we established last week, April will be a slow month for games until the very end ("Mario" what? "Grand Theft" who?).
But bad or good, hyped or unheard of, no game box art is safe from our swift and shallow assessment. Even though most publishers like to skip releasing games near April Fools' Day, we still marched on with our new feature in which we judge games by their cover art.
Here are the games that tread where no others dared to go -- in more ways than one...
"Great War Nations: The Spartans" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: Um, 300 anyone? Only instead of leading man Gerard Butler with his magnificent six-pack (yes, I'm a girl), we have a generic screaming Spartan with a ten-pack oddly located under his armpit. This ain't Sparta -- this is madness.
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
"Civil War Mysteries: Secrets of the North and South" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: A game about the Civil War sounds boring in theory but this cover is intriguing. Why are there floating keys? Is that a tornado on the balcony? Why is the house on fire? Who are these strange apparitions? What secrets do they hold? ... Lincoln's hat was used to store snacks? Robert E. Lee loved New England Clam Chowder? Do tell.
Love It or Leave It: Love it.
"Overclocked: A History of Violence" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: Nearly nude young people press against each other in a dark room as beads of sweat roll down their breathless visages. This game looks as passionate and intense as Melrose Place fan-fiction. "M" for mature, indeed.
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
"Riddle of the Tomb" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: The riddle here seems to be how one can make a game about ancient Egypt seem like a snooze-fest. Straightforward is always good (unlike "Overclocked"), but this is way too simplistic. Throw a decaying mummy on there at least to get people's attention (see use of ghosts on "Civil War Mysteries").
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
"Sudden Strike 3: Arms for Victory" (PC)
What the Box Tells Us: I think there needs to be more explosions on this cover. There's no dabbling with explosions -- if you're gonna do it, go Michael Bay all the way. Otherwise shoppers will get this game confused with every other World War II-themed game out on the market.
Love It or Leave It: Leave it.
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Is there a game you would like us to judge solely by its cover? Let us know.
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